My Spiel on Personal Ads

Personal ads have become a popular way to meet men. But many women shy away from ads because they feel it borders on desperation. Well, listen up. Don’t worry ladies. I’m here to school you on the fine art of writing and responding to personal ads.

Step 1. How to Write a Personal Ad

Ads can be expensive, so make yours no more than four or five lines. Ads that run on and on are a waste of money and seem somewhat desperate. Why else would anyone spend six hundred dollars for one ad? Not surprisingly, they contain too much information that no one cares about, and too much lovey-dovey crap. Most people skim or ignore long ads and rarely respond to them. Think of advertising campaigns (Frank Perdue’s “It makes a tough man to make a tender chicken”) when you write an ad. It should be short, upbeat and flirtatious – a pleasurable read. Don’t mention marriage or kids. Don’t refer to your past – for example, divorced or on the rebound. Don’t say things like, “I’m not into makeup or superficiality” or “I’m happily overweight.” Perhaps a man will not mind your extra 20 lbs when he sees your beautiful face, but chances are he won’t answer such a candid ad.

Many ads are a turnoff because they look for sympathy. The writers hope to hook you in by telling you that they are human and damaged. For example, “Ex-wife of alcoholic seeks nonabusive soul mate.” It’s honest but a bit depressing, don’t you think? I mean, would you answer a man’s ad that said, “Unemployed executive looking for understanding wife?” Hell no. The way I see it, as long as you don’t outright lie, you needn’t be honest to a fault either. Just leave things out. For example, don’t say you’re slim if you’re hefty. Simply leave out your weight entirely and accentuate your green eyes and long, silky hair.

Step 2. How to Answer an Ad

Get some plain white stationary the size of a memo pad. Don’t perfume it or seal it with a kiss because that’s just gay. And never include your address – you don’t want any crazies stalking you at your apartment. Write a flirtatious note with the essential facts. Remember, you’re just doing this for fun, to meet some nice men. Notes that talk about marriage, kids, and commitment make most men run the other way even when they want it. Just start out with something easy like, “Your ad caught my eye.” That makes it sound like you were casually reading XYZ magazine. He needn’t know that your Monday night ritual is poring over personal ads looking for your husband or that you answered twenty other ads that week.

Don’t try to be different. Don’t send a sleazy photo or a collage from a fashion magazine with your face over Jessica Alba’s body. All of that is straight up juvenile. It also screams desperation. In terms of verbosity, less is more. Remember, he has a lot of other letters to read. End the note by saying something like, “Well, I’m off to my yoga class. Hope to hear from you soon.” Keep it light.

The photo is actually the most important part of the package. Most men decide to call you based on your photo, not your note. They either like your looks or they don’t, so spend the extra time getting the right photo. Photoshop if you need to. Men are shallow like that. It should be about 3x5, no posters or photo-booth photos, preferably of you alone and smiling. Don’t send photos of you holding your one-year-old niece or in a bikini with your girlfriend.

By following these simple rules, I guarantee you you’ll land yourself a man in no time. Thank me later. Or send me copious amounts of money to my PayPal.

In other news, why won't the BYU Singapore Association accept my entry for the club t-shirt design contest? That's bullcrap. Heh.