My spiel on movies

I ruin movies for myself. How? Oh, well I feel the need to point out all the reasons why a movie is crazy, thus the entire world and the whole movie-making industry is insane. How have we, supposedly intelligent people, succumbed to this?

In Troy, for example, I know for a fact that the second the director yelled Cut! Brad Pitt, in loin cloth and armor and fake dirt and sweat, went straight to his Airstream and answered his Blackberry or he removed his weed box from his duffel bag to roll what he deems the sickest joint ever. I just picture him rolling a joint so well that he and all his friends marvel at his skills. To the point where, when Jennifer Aniston is sitting on her patio looking out at Malibu beach as she’s rolling herself a joint, she looks over at Vince and goes, “Not to bring him up again, but seriously, he rolled a way better joint than I do.” Vince concedes, thinking back to the time that Brad rolled him a fattie in Vegas.

On all big budget films, I can only ever think about the craft services team. Is the main guy making a million little mac and cheese soufflés right now? Oh god, are they going to serve 298 filet mignons and only 40 are going to be eaten because the actresses just want sugar-free smoothies with energy boosts because they are anorexic liars? “No thanks, I already ate.” Lies! Do you know how much food goes to waste every single day on every single set in Hollywood? How many rolls of Lifesavers mints just sit there dying to be stolen by the production assistants? How many expensive packets of Vitamin C fizz just sit in the cartons, unopened and ready to take home so you can save $45? How many bottles of Evian water just sit there, waiting, waiting to be drunk? Do you know?

It boggles my mind that celebrities will sit up there and be like, “I only drive a hybrid car” to protect the environment all the while watching as tens upon thousands of pounds of good, quality, gourmet food go to waste every single day. Every single day. Imagine an entire day’s waste at Cheesecake Factory. Now multiply that by the entire day’s waste of the entire chain. I guarantee you that that’s what’s happening on set in Hollywood right now. TV and movies.

While Tom Hanks played a castaway off the coast of actual paradise, did he truly not eat when the director didn’t need him on set? I mean, I know they’re behind the scenes eating all kinds of sushi and shit. And then if Tom Hanks did eat in his little air conditioned trailer with wireless Internet and two phone lines (one personal, one business), did he lie in the corner of the plush bathroom naked, with sand all over to get back into the castaway frame of mind before getting called back onto the set? Or did he just remove the lobster bib and simply walked back to set because he’s that good of an actor that he can schizophrenically turn “it” on and off like that?

Furthermore, because of my interest in tabloid magazines, it’s gotten worse. If I see Paris Hilton in a film, I’ll know for a fact that the night before she was spread across the VIP banquet at some club. Am I now to believe she’s an innocent college girl who just heard a creepy sound outside her window? Nope, not gonna happen.

I also have a very hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that adults are getting paid millions upon millions of dollars to play make-believe. Owen Wilson got a gang of cash to pretend to get hit by a car which, by the way, is not funny anymore. Must we do that scene in every comedy? It’s not funny. The implications of getting hit by a car are not funny. I’m not laughing. The money they just spent on two stunt men, the driver and the person being hit, for a non-laugh is what’s funny to me.

Now, that’s not to say that I don’t think some actors are amazing. Charlize Theron is one of the few that can make me forget I’m watching a movie, and thus really care about the situation as it unfolds before my eyes. In Monster, the girl was straight acting her ass off. I was like, Okay she took it there.

These are the things I think about. This is why I ruin movies.