I'm a completely different person

For years, I had convinced myself that I was deathly afraid of all animals. I did not like going to zoos because I didn’t really like looking at real animals in spitting distance (on TV, fine). I especially didn’t like looking at them all miserable and locked up for human amusement. Lions and monkeys and llamas and giraffes do not give a shit about us and they sure as hell don’t look happy when we’re staring at them as they are taking a dump and grazing on fake grass. In my opinion, zoos were just rude. I especially didn’t like pet stores in malls. Why would I want to be able to purchase an iguana or a guinea pig in the same place I buy my GAP and throw pillows?

But now I’m a completely different person. I’m cool with animals in general. See, I have a 6-month old cat and have been actively snuggling with him. Yes he has bad breath, gnarly teeth and all, but he is cute. I’m not particularly fond of his shedding though. This cat sheds like a mother. Sometimes I feel like I am nothing more than a fastidious housewife in his presence. I find myself picking up after his toys, sweeping his catnip, and lint brushing everything. Also, he’s a horny mofo and spends his days humping random inanimate objects around the house. Just the other night, he was straight up humping my leg. What the hell?! I was thoroughly disturbed.

But I digress. Although his name is Sugar, he only responds to “Cougar”. He likes bugs and lizards. He’s getting neutered this month so that he’ll stop wanting to hit all the female cats around the neighborhood. It’s kind of weird. I see cats chilling outside my house all the time now. They’re not doing anything in particular. Just chilling.

My cat is a stud.