Someone Give Tom His Medication

If you’re not into celebrity gossip, this entry won’t be for you. Or if you want to get involved, just Google when you don’t know who I’m talking about (I’m on a first name basis here) because I’m not explaining.

So normally, when anyone announces that he just had a baby, I’d applaud and jump for joy. But when that anyone is Tom Cruise AND he took a perfectly good Hebrew name for a girl, I just shake my head and roll my eyes. Suri – it’s ruined forever now. I’ve avoided all celebrity gossip about him because I had to promise myself to go from outrage to indifference because I couldn’t feed that terrible machine. Or, look at his wild face anymore. This is a grown man trying to manipulate something that is already so far destroyed. Tom, it’s over for you. We don’t like you anymore. You’re out of your mind. And it’s not even the Scientology thing. That’s just whatever. It’s the intensity with which you annoy. And poor Katie. Sorry. I can’t wait for her tell-all book because you KNOW it’s gonna be so good, so good. Amy Fisher good. Latoya Jackson good. Any family member of Whitney Houston good. Okay, maybe not Whitney Houston good. Nothing tops hearing from Whitney’s sister-in-law that the woman sees demons. Now that’s just crazy talk.

Will Chris Klein appear on Jerry Springer demanding a paternity test? Oh, Chris, please do. Then when the results say that you are, in fact, the father of Suri Cruise, please jump up and down with fists of rage, point your finger in Katie’s face and say, “Biaatch, I told you. I told you!” Then, hopefully, Tom will walk off the stage where he will be held at the side by some lowly stressed-out PA before security comes. And Katie will be crying. Oh, will she be crying but they will be tears of joy because next week, she’s about to blow it all through the roof with the tell-all book and she ain’t tripping because she got half of what Tom is worth anyway in the divorce.

And like, will Maddox date Apple or be forbidden to date Apple because Brad and Gwyneth broke up all those years before? Is Zahara going to be so smoking hot on the Naomi Campbell tip and be a bitch about it? Or is she going to be hot but not model because she’s too busy saving other orphans? Will she be an amazing lesbian that brings Angelina Jolie to the preview of her first documentary on the suppressed sexuality of some hidden tribe in a remote part of Africa? And all the lesbians swoon when they see her mama because all the polls say that women would “go gay” for Angelina. It’s not even about “going gay.” Angelina is just a fine ass specimen in the rudest possible way. So much so that if she propositioned a freaking raccoon, the raccoon would lick his lips and be like, “What’s up, Ma?” That’s how hot she is. I mean, for one person to be blessed with fame, fortune, intensely good looks and Brad Pitt? That is just off the chain crazy rude and inappropriate. I can feel my self-esteem plummet just looking at her face. It’s a terrible thing but I love her and I download her pictures. See? I have a problem. But I function day to day like a normal person, I swear it.

Heh. I’m on a roll and I’m not nearly done with my celebrity spiel but I’ve gots to go. In the mean time, here’s a picture of Tom and Marcus to quench your insatiable appetites. Oh, it’s Marcus’s 24^th birthday today. :) HAPPY BIRFDAY, MARCUS!!!