If Paris, Nicole and Oprah wrestled, who would win?

Hooekay. Here’s the continuation of an earlier celebrity spiel I posted like 2 weeks ago. Man, has it been 2 weeks already? That’s totally inconsequential, isn’t it? I do apologize for the delay. I’ve been busy with this thing they call Life.

I guess reading about Paris and Stavros Niarchos calling it quits on PinkistheNewBlog reminded me that I’ve been wanting to roast them two. No, not Paris and Stavros. The ORIGINAL two. Paris and Nicole. Don’t you ever wonder sometimes if their money/attention will run out one day? Like, to where they are forced to go on Oprah’s final taping of her final season (for real this time) and discuss the falling out. And Nicole will be all healthy and regular because ten years previous to this event she finally came out like Calista did and said, “Yes, I have an eating disorder and I want to share with you my recovery…” and we go on a ten-episode shot on film documentary with her as she throws trays of burgers at the nurses and says, “I can’t do this! Fuck you people! Anorexia is my life! I’m the thinspiration for girls around the globe. I’m Nicole Richie and this is a lifestyle, not a disease. You people will never understand!”

Oh, and Nicole, on The Oprah Winfrey Show will say to Paris, “Sorry I showed your sex tape girl. It was childish and hilarious, but still that was so wrong…” And Paris, with her new nose because she had to get the septum repaired when it collapsed on that last and final coke binge, will say in her baby voice, “It’s okay. I shouldn’t have made that tape anyway. I mean, it’s like whatever.” They’ll hug and it will be anti-climactic. So Oprah will renew her show for another season so she can have a better ending because nobody puts Oprah on the end of the ratings war. NOBODY!

My imagination is stupid. Furthermore, I must say I read celebrity gossip daily. What is my problem? Is it because it’s always there so I just think this is a normal part of my day? Or do I have a real problem? Is this an addiction? If so, I need to stop now because that is so embarrassing. Addicted to useless information about people I’ll never meet who probably aren’t even really that cool in real life in the first place? That is so gross. I mean, Oprah is the only one worth giving a damn about. And even she really likes celebrities but she likes the bland ones like Jennifer Aniston and Maria Skeleton-Face-I-Married-the-Terminator Shriver.

Well, let’s back up. Growing up, my mother and grandmother both read The National Enquirer until we moved here then that got replaced with People magazine. Now, People is only good halfway through. And then right as it’s getting good, it switches gears from celebrities to real people and sadly, I’m not that interested in the real people. Ha. HA! I know ya’ll are going *gasp* I can’t believe she just said that. Oh c’mon already. Don't lie. You KNOW you feel the same way too.

Shit, celebrities read about themselves! They gobble it up at the newsstands. They hire people to know what is said about them. It’s someone’s job to collect every piece of press ever for them, archiving every photo, every mention, every blurb. So do I really have a problem? Am I alone in this? The celebrities?

I’m hearing crickets. Please someone help me.