If you can't sing, be a rapper.

I can't watch American Idol. I have missed nearly every episode of the new season. And after watching just a few minutes of this week’s episode, I can honestly say I’m retiring the show for good. I mean, if it's on in the background, maybe I'll glance over, but to put time aside, eat pizza and watch? No. I can't do it. Paula and Randy were giving some guy a standing ovation. That performance did not merit a standing ovation. And then there was this one chick who walked out of the audition room balling like someone had stolen her Louie Vuitton. She said, "It's hard to constantly hear you're so pretty but the talent's not there." Well, you keep hearing it for a reason honey. Just be pretty, and chill out. It could be worse, just as Ryan said. You could be ugly and talentless. You could be blind and talentless. You may just be deaf, so I won't say that. It could be worse. So just cut your losses. Be pretty and stop worrying about singing.

What is it about singing anyway that makes people believe that they can do it when they clearly can't? Can they not hear themselves? Do they hear some melodious sounds that I can't hear? I mean, I hum the Jeopardy song and sound better than some of these people. Is it because they are inundated with music that labels itself as good when it is clearly not? I mean, they must look at Britney Spears and go, "Damn, that girl can sing." But can she really? Don't get me wrong. Slave 4 U and Overprotected were super awesome. But Christina can sing. Skanky as she is, she can sing a little sumthin’ sumthin’. Britney on the other hand is a talented performer, dancer, her body is banging, her teeth are amazing, her style is hot though questionable at times, but the singing? She's not wholly terrible, but I can't co-sign all that. Truth is, I was into her at one point. Yes, I said it. Man, the abs, the legs, the black eyeliner. She was luring me in for a minute. I'll take Britney any day over Alanis Morrisette, though. Sorry to all the Alanis fans out there, but you…you… you… ought to know is a travesty. Sounds like dry heaving, and that's a jagged little pill that I won't be swallowing. To this day, I don't understand the Alanis appeal. I am just happy she is hibernating right now.