The Best Teddy Bear Ever

I’m sure most girls have gone through the nervousness of receiving teddy bears from crushes. It takes some mental preparation to make my most genuine face and not go overboard with the high pitched “Thank you! Oh my goodness!” Inside, I’m really going, “WTF? It’s a little ass generic, no-matching-my-decor teddy bear that I’ll have to display any time you’re around the house.” You know, those teddy bears with the poisonous, hard Styrofoam pellets in their bodies. Those bears that the not too smooth dudes buy at WalMart to accompany both a single red rose with the “rose food” packet still attached by a rubber band and a card where he’s just signed his name - In the car outside your front step. I mean, if you’re going to be so hasty and unoriginal with the gift-giving, I’ll take a can of chicken noodle soup. Or if you’re really lucky, you’ll get that paper mache rose that’s a total impulse buy at the cash register at the gas station.

I know I should just be happy if I’m getting teddy bears and flowers. I know! I know! I’m just sharing the down-low that I shouldn’t share. I swear I’m not shallow. I just hate crappy teddy bears. There shouldn’t even be such a thing as a crappy teddy bear. All teddy bears should be amazing based on connotation alone.

Aahhh, but THIS bear is different. He holds a satin heart in his hands and the heart reads:

SHIT BITCH YOU IS FINE

I laughed so hard. If you want to make your lady friend smile, I suggest you get her one of these today, sir. It’s at www.tomatoalligator.com. Get down tonight. Heh heh.