G is for Germs

You know how weird you feel when somebody says something is gross about what you’re doing? For example, take a can of tomato soup. I eat it. Somebody tells me it’s disgusting for a million reasons which may or may not be true, but well worth re-evaluating that stupid can of soup and where it stands in the future of my life. The reasons: a) Every year, The Important Food People allow a certain percentage of hair, dust, rat fecal matter into the cans because it’s harmless in small doses and they can’t just change the system of canning goods for a few droplets of – screw it. I’m grossing myself out. b) The contents of the soup itself are loaded with X, Y and Z ingredients slash chemicals that serve to rot your insides out. I’m the type of person that takes these things to heart. Call me a lunatic. But now, I can’t eat canned soup. Did everybody know about this or am I just oblivious to the process of canning goods over here in my regular life of non-factory work?

I totally enjoy those shows where they cotton-swab a room and the tests come back with crazy stuff in crazy places. I watched a show once that has forever marred my hotel experience. I’ve stayed in hotels but because that episode pointed out that it’s not just the Motel 6s of the world that are guilty of having doo doo on the baseboards, I’m scared.

Since acquiring this knowledge of nasty hotel rooms, of course that rotten bedspread comes off the bed. That’s just standard company policy. You know that. You do know that, right? You can’t sit down in a tub in a hotel room either. Girls shouldn’t be taking bubble baths anyway and that’s according to my Lady Doctor. She says it moves cells or something along those lines. Whatever the case, I don’t want cancer so no bubble baths.

For your linens, always wash them in ridiculously hot water. Kill, kill, kill the germs. I don’t care what color they are, wash those fools in fire. For your hands, get that little bottle of anti-bacterial hand sanitizer. Naysayer, the germs are trying to kill you! They say simply rubbing your hands together kills the same amount of germs, but I kinda like that clean, sterile hospital smell. Don’t you?

*Edit*
A million people, including a biologist, say that using anti-bacterial soap makes the germs worse. They can mutate and fight. Those little assholes. Also, flush the toilet with the lid down. Apparently germs have the ability to fly. They fly. No one is safe. NO ONE.