One Cellulite Shake To-Go

Today, someone asked me about cellulite solutions. Random. I told her that I hear exercise helps. Or, try all the creams but nobody seems to think they actually work. Or do the whole deep tissue massage thing which breaks up the fat. Or my personal favorite – get both your thighs covered in tattoos which hides the cellulite. Now that seems a little crazy, but think about it. It could be really hot. When my newborn baby shoots out of me, do I want him, for the first time in his life, to see two fierce Japanese dragons staring back at him? No, but still.

Since I’m talking about beauty regimens, I’m gonna throw this out too. Proactiv doesn’t work. And that little scam they pull on you if you order on the Internet – they ought to be ashamed of themselves. If you order online, they automatically assume that you want to be in their Proactive Forever club and every month, they just charge your credit card and send you more before you’ve even figured out if the shit works for you. Then, when you’ve already quit using it because it sucks, you get a new batch in the mail and you look at your credit card statement and there the charge is. You call and they say, “But you’re in the club…” and you say, “But I don’t want to be in your club because your shit doesn’t work…” and they say, “Well we already charged you, but you can send it back” and you send it back and wait all year for them to give you back your $45. I hate their guts from the product down to the shady customer service. Besides, I should have known better but P. Diddy lied to me.

I saw that P Diddy uses Proactiv, and I was like, okay, if that fool uses that, it must work because he doesn’t seem to be the type to just blindly testify to some product’s effectiveness for cash like Jessica Simpson, but I was wrong. Proactiv does NOT work. It makes you think it’s working for the first two weeks. For the first two weeks, you’ll look fly. You’ll feel confident. You’ll radiate. But that wears off.

Also, I’ve noticed freckles on my lip. Who the hell gets freckles on their lips? That, hyperpigmentation, brown spots, overgrown cuticles - it’s all there obstructing perfection which is totally not possible. Rationally, it’s not possible but whatever. I thrive on impossibility.

Maybe one day I’ll be a billionaire and I'll get some of those ridiculously expensive creams they have at Sephora. And also, the excessive and unnecessary python Chloe bag will be mine. Damn those reptiles – they don’t want to live. They want to be overpriced handbags that house my empty wallet.

I’m tired and grouchy. It’s time for bed.